Earthquake Proof
by DebajoDeLaCafeina
Summary: No matter how earthquake proof you are, it isn't easy to carry on when your world is turned upsidedown and the person you love refuses to let you into their heart. Post Twilight, Gabby. R&R appreciated. NEW CHAPTER NOW UPLOADED.
1. Something Real to Hold

(A/N and Dislaimer: _Hola queridas_, Rie is officially back in action _ahora._ **I own nothing from, connected to or otherwise concerning NCIS**. I watched Kill Ari (both parts) again about a week ago, and that and a wierd Gibbs/Abby impulse inspired me to start writing this. That, and Kelsey; _por supuesto_. There isn't a single fic on here that I could claim full credit for; even if I wrote it, she inspired it. _Tambien,_ I want to say _muchas gracias_ to Kate - if you're reading this, you know where the title came from. Thankyou.  
R&R appreciated and returned as always. Essay over; lets rock and roll...)

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**Chapter One: In which Gibbs breaks the news to Abby, and they both look for something to hold on to.**

'No.'  
It was all she could say but not even a fraction of what she felt. Abby had often heard people describe grief as numb; but for her, it made her hands shake, her stomach twist and her mind spin into oblivion all at once. She half-wished that she could be like other people and, for a short while, feel the numb sense of shock as she tried to process the terrible news they had just heard. But in her line of work, she had always had to make sense of things quickly; and now as soon as the news of Kate's death reached her ears the full weight of realization and the pain of loss hit her like a tonne of reinforced concrete. Yet all she could manage to say was that single word.

'No...' she said again; taking a step backwards, her voice trembling, as if complete, monosyllabic denial would bring Kate back. He looked at her, his eyes full of pain in their shared loss but also full of understanding and pity for her.  
'I'm so, so sorry; Abs' he said quietly. He reached out a hand, and she recoiled as if the touch she had felt so many times before would now burn or poison her.  
'She – she can't be…' Abby shook her head, the movement combining with the tears threatening to fall making the face of the man in front of her a blur; about as clear to her as the thoughts rushing through her mind.  
'She was shot twice. First time in the chest; her jacket saved her. The second…' he paused, recalling in painful accuracy the events leading to Kate's death before carefully relaying them to the distraught young woman in front of him, '…once through the forehead. If it's any consolation...she didn't feel a thing…'

His own words sickened him. His words sounded pathetic even to him, and he doubted they would have reassured a three year old. How was the fact that Kate hadn't felt the slug rip through her and snuff out her life faster than they could stop it supposed to comfort Abby now? Kate may have felt nothing as she died; but now everyone she had left behind wished they could stop feeling, just for one second, as their loss overwhelmed them.

At his words, Abby burst into tears, her shoulders shaking as uncontrollably as the rest of her body. She made to turn away from him; the bearer of the news that had just turned her world upside-down in the space of half a second, but the hand that she had shrunk back from a moment ago caught her by the arm and turned her back around. Ashamed at her own tears and loath to meet his eyes, she turned her head away from him. Seeing her, like a reflection of the terrible pain he felt - but did not; could not and would not show – almost broke his heart even beyond its current state of torture. He hated to see her cry, as rare as it was, at the best of times - and now, as the one who had delivered the news of her best friend's death; he felt personally responsible for her tears.

Gently, he took her face in his hands and tilted it up so she had to look at him. His hands were shaking, but warm and familiar; and in her grief and shock she was powerless to resist. His eyes met hers; her green eyes red-rimmed from crying, with dark lashes spiked with tears. His were the same clear, ice-blue as ever; but they were filled with silent anguish. The air of the room seemed heavy with the pain of the two people in it; the silence perforated only by Abby's soft sobbing.

It was Gibbs who pulled Abby's shaking form towards him to cut the space between them as their lips touched; a gesture of grief and shared pain and anger and sorrow and denial and infinite other emotions pressing down upon both of them. It wasn't a kiss of passion, or love, but it signified for both of them that the loss of Kate was a loss they shared. Neither could ever have said that one felt the current pain more than the other.

Abby pulled away from Gibbs' kiss, tears still coursing down her cheeks. He still held her tightly in his arms, and knowing that he needed the contact – something to hold onto and feel real – as much as she did, she didn't resist. She laid her head on his chest, and he rested his gently on top of hers. The sound of his heartbeat beneath his shirt would have soothed Abby, if it hadn't reminded her that Kate's heart was beating no more, and thanks to a renegade SOB terrorist was now as still and silent as the lab around them. She wrapped her arms around him as her tears fell onto his chest.

'Gibbs…I-'she tried to speak, but the words caught in her throat. He placed a finger gently on her lips, and raised his hands from her back to sign; in that silent language of touches and gestures that they shared.  
_Don't try to speak. Just…_He was unable to think of a word that described what he wanted for her. What he wanted was to take her in his arms and take her somewhere where she felt no pain, no aching stab of grief in the pit of her stomach every time Kate – now condemned to memory – crossed her mind, somewhere he could hold her and protect her and let her feel safe, and warm, and loved. But how to convey this, in any language; spoken aloud or signed; was beyond even him. He was tired, and drained, and more than anything he wanted to be alone to let the terrible truth of Kate's demise sink in. But he couldn't. Abby needed him. And as always, Abby came first.

He lowered his hands and put his arms around her again, and kissed her forehead. Abby closed her eyes as a few tears spilled out from below her lids. He was right, as always. No words were needed. The warmth of each others bodies when everything else felt unstable and wrong was enough for each of them – for now.

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(THIS WILL EVENTUALLY BE SEVERAL CHAPTERS LONG - I'll have the second part up within a day or two. Be warned - Chapter Two will be much longer, and just as angsty. Watch this space...) 


	2. Not So Earthquake Proof

(A/N: Chapter 2 is here! And a Happy New Year to everyone with it! This chapter goes out to Ellie, Rowan and Kelsey - for the shared N-Kiss obsession and every last one of my friends, the back end of 2007 was an absolute blast with you guys.  
We own nothing. So here goes nothing)

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**Chapter Two: In which Abby touches a nerve with Gibbs, and nobody is as earthquake-proof as they'd like to think.**

Time has a way of speeding up when you want things to slow down, and slowing down when you will the day to go faster. Abby wasn't sure which she would rather have, but all she knew was that the people and places around her seemed blurred and dreamlike – it was a shock when she looked up at the clock and realized it was almost four hours since Kate died. Four hours, seventeen minutes and counting to be exact. Ducky had read the time of Kate's death from the watch on her wrist, which had broken as she fell to the ground after being shot. He had told her gently, the tracks of her tears showing her inner grief beneath her mask of controlled composure.  
But in her mind's eye; Abby saw it all too clearly – the bullet, moving faster than the eye could see, making contact with Kate's forehead as it ripped through her skin, tissues and skull; coming to rest in her brain as she fell to the floor; to begin her never-ending sleep from which no amount of denial, tears or praying would ever be able to wake her.

Kate was dead; and Abby knew there was no changing that. It was the fact that she would never speak to her, laugh with her, hug her, see her alive again that felt like a knife twisting in Abby's stomach. But she had to carry on. She had to be strong – if not for herself then for Gibbs.

_Gibbs. _Abby had not seen him since he had broken the news to her, a little less than three hours ago. The taste of his kiss still lingered on her lips, and she held onto it – since she had been told of her best friend's death it was the only thing that had felt real to her. Despite the multitude of people that had come in and out of the lab to see her as the afternoon darkened into evening; Gibbs hadn't been among them again. She guessed that he was taking care of the formalities surrounding the death of one of his agents – along with silent, private mourning and swearing vengeance on whoever had pulled the trigger and shot Kate dead. It hurt her to see how much pain he was in, but she knew he was too proud to show it – even around her, his lover, the person who he was supposed to trust and share with. She knew he was a private person, and she knew he had his reasons for not sharing all his thoughts and feelings with her. But it still hurt that he wouldn't talk to her.

Of course, it wasn't that Abby hadn't heard enough talking already. Tony had been the first to come down after Gibbs left; and on finding her sitting on the floor of her lab in tears had scooped her up into a bear hug, letting her sob onto his strong shoulder. She had asked him how Kate died, and his recount was the same as Gibbs' – but Tony's voice shook as he spoke, breaking completely when he reached the part of Kate's death; and he turned away with his shoulders shaking to let his own tears fall. She had given him a final hug and a kiss on the cheek as he left to speak to Gibbs and the Director, and he had whispered to her to 'stay strong'. It was sweet of him; but Abby wondered how he expected her to stay strong when the whole of NCIS was grief-stricken chaos and her best friend was lying dead on a cadaver table one floor below her.

McGee had come by too, and had filled her in on the progress from the bullpen as he patted her back awkwardly. Apparently Gibbs was convinced that Ari was the one who shot Kate, though with little proof to go on as of yet. He told her to expect a weapon and a slug to analyze soon, and she was grateful for the prospect of some work to distract her. He out of everyone seemed to be the most shell-shocked by the day's events – his skin was ghostly pale, and his hands were still shaking. She squeezed his trembling hand in hers before he left to join Tony and the others; and he smiled briefly back at her. Timothy McGee may have been a lot of things - most of them running along the lines of 'geek beyond compare' - but to Abby, he was a friend; and a loyal one at that. More than anything she appreciated him, and was grateful for his efforts in coming down to see her.

And Ducky, when she had gone down to autopsy; partly to see Ducky and get the autopsy report, and mostly to be near Kate; had laid a warm and comforting hand on her shoulder as she pulled the cover down from over Kate's body, before promptly bursting into tears. Apparently Gibbs was right – death would have been instantaneous. Kate would have felt no pain. This was a small comfort – but a drop in the ocean compared to the horrified agony Abby felt, looking at Kate – who had always been so lively and full of life – lying stone cold and pale on the garish metal table; her eyes black and empty of all expression and a bullet wound through her smooth forehead. She was too young to die. She was too happy to die. She was too _Kate_ to die. Ducky had left to tell Gibbs what he had found; giving Abby a bullet it an evidence jar and permission to stay with Kate a while longer. She couldn't stand to hold the evidence jar; with the bullet that had snuffed out Kate's life like a candle inside it. But she had stood for so long beside the body that when the doors opened behind her the sudden noise made her start. Wheeling round, she did her best to dry her eyes as she apologized.

'Ducky, I'm-'  
'Not Ducky' said a voice. _Gibbs' voice_. As she blinked away further tears, he approached her and pressed a Caff-Pow gently into her hands. She looked down at it blankly.  
'Thank you' she managed. Her eyes were red and her makeup was smudged, and he could still see the tracks of her tears on her pale skin. He tilted her face up to the light in one hand.  
'You've been crying' he said. It wasn't a question, but a statement. Sniffing, she turned her face away. She hadn't realized how cold it was in the room, but she was shivering. Noticing this, he shrugged off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders. Gratefully, she leaned against him. He didn't hold her, but he pulled his jacket a little tighter around her and rested a hand on her waist. They stood in silence, looking at Kate's dead body before them. There was a long, quiet moment before Abby spoke.

'I can't believe it was her' she said, her hoarse voice loud in the silent room.  
She felt rather than saw him swallow before answering. 'I know, Abs'  
She gave a bitter half-laugh. 'It doesn't seem real. Yesterday – this morning, even; she was here and we were talking and laughing and everything was alright. But now – she's dead. Kate is dead. Caitlin Todd is…dead. And I'm asking myself how – how the hell can anything be alright now?'  
Her voice was shaking with the effort of not bursting into tears again. Gibbs wasn't sure what to say. He understood perfectly what Abby was saying, but drew a blank as to what to say to comfort her. He felt useless. Never mind how he felt, he should be able to make his girl, Abby, feel better at least! But he didn't know what to say. Leroy Jethro Gibbs, lost for words. That was a rare phenomenon. Instead, he kissed her forehead and tightened his grip around her waist. He wanted to make her feel safe if nothing else.

'You know something?' she carried on, turning her tear-stained face up to him. 'I wish it was me. I wish it was me that bastard shot'  
Now, he was shocked out of his silence. 'Abby, how can you say that?'  
'Because it's true!' she said, her voice rising so it echoed in the empty silence of autopsy. Tears were spilling down her cheeks again, and her Caff-Pow fell out of her shaking hands and rolled across the floor, red liquid oozing out of it. He had never seen her drop a Caff-Pow as long as he had known her.  
'I wish it was me that was dead, Gibbs! Because – you keep saying that Kate felt nothing…My best friend is dead! I can't help but feel! And I wish I couldn't, I wish it was me lying on that damn table because right now it – this – hurts so much I wish_ I_ was dead!'

Gibbs stood silently, letting Abby storm at him. He had never seen her lose control like this before – but then again, he had never seen her coping with her best friend's death before. She was always so effervescent and happy; taking everything in her stride – it almost scared him to see her let go like this. But he understood how she felt. He had broken the news of so many deaths, murders and horrific accidents to friends and family members, had witnessed their tears – and eventually, their anger as the need for something to hit out at and rage at took over. His rage was simmering inside him, as he thought of Ari and Kate and what he could have done and a million other things. He wanted to break things, smash things, feel blood on his knuckles – anything to get rid of some of the fury held inside him. But here, Abby was breaking down in front of him and he had to comfort her before anything else.  
'She is – she was my best friend!' Abby shouted, gesturing to Kate's body on the metal table beside them. 'And now some bastard has taken that away from me. I don't want to feel anymore! I don't…I can't…I-'

As Abby's words caught in her throat, Gibbs stepped forward and enveloped her in his arms. At his touch, she collapsed against him; her knees buckling under her. All she knew was her grief; Kate's death and Gibbs' touch – everything else was irrelevant to her at that moment. Gibbs kept tight hold of her, and gently pulled her both to the ground so they were sitting on the cold floor of autopsy. Abby's was staring straight ahead, although tears were still in her eyes and on her cheeks. She was shaking, from shock and anger as well as cold and tears. Gibbs pulled her closer, her head leaning on his shoulder.  
'It hurts, Gibbs' she said, her voice muffled by his shoulder. Unbeknown to Abby, Gibbs closed his own laser-blue eyes against the tears burning and threatening to fall behind his lids.  
'I know, Abs' he said softly, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. 'I hurt too'  
The raven-haired young woman nestled closer into his arms. 'It's…I don't know how to take this. You've seen – horrible things, more terrible than I could imagine…and you're still strong enough to get up in the morning and carry on and not crack up completely. But I – I see people's remains every single day, I write reports on how they died and I analyze all the evidence that can make sure that if someone killed them, they'll pay for it…but I'm not like you; Gibbs. Under the caffeine, and the make-up and the science and the clothes, I'm – I'm just me. And sometimes I don't know who 'me' really is…and I can't deal with stuff like this' She turned round to look at Gibbs, who met her stare with a calm, dry-eyed gaze. 'I'm not as strong as any of you guys, Gibbs'

Gibbs leaned forward and kissed her, very gently, on the lips. 'You can't be earthquake-proof all the time, Abby. Nobody can. It's normal to feel. It's human to feel…' He searched for the right words as he stroked a strand of black hair away from her face. 'There's nothing wrong with grieving for Kate'  
'But you're…you never show it'  
Gibbs frowned slightly, as he looked at Abby. 'What do you mean?'  
'You never show anyone how you feel. And – you're sitting here telling me its okay to feel, when you never let on to anyone when you're scared or sad or in pain'  
Gibbs' face had turned almost to stone. Anxiously, Abby reached up a hand to touch his cheek, but he flinched at the contact.  
'Why?' she whispered, not about to let the subject drop.  
He deliberately looked away from her, not wanting to meet her eyes – but he could feel her gaze on him like the cross-hairs of a gun on the back of his head. Slowly, he turned back around to look at her. She looked concerned, tentative – but her eyes held the same fire they did when she was searching determinedly for evidence in a case. His face was set, blank – but she knew him well enough to know that the crease between his eyebrows and his tense jaw meant he was on edge. Warily, she lowered her hand.

'Did I – did I say something?'  
Gibbs sighed. Momentarily he opened his mouth as if to speak, but then closed it again. Silently, he stood up, and took her hands to pull her back to her feet. As she stood up, he let go of her hands as if they had burned him; making her almost lose her balance. She steadied herself and looked up as Gibbs made for the door.  
'Gibbs…' she called.

He paused at the door, looking back at her. Her beseeching eyes bored into him, imploring him to stay.  
'I have to go and meet the Director to discuss what happened to Agent Todd' he said quietly. His voice was carefully even, and his tone told Abby in itself that she couldn't make him stay – even though she had no idea what she had done to prompt his sudden exit. Still, she wasn't prepared to give up that easily.  
'Talk to me…' she said softly. Her eyelashes were still spiked with tears, and still her emerald green eyes pleaded silently with him not to leave.

Without another word, Gibbs turned and left the room as he headed for the elevator, leaving Abby standing alone, distraught and utterly bewildered; with nothing but a spilled Caff-Pow and Kate's body for company.

* * *

Gibbs sighed wearily, kneading his forehead with his knuckles as he leaned against the counter waiting for the dizzy-looking girl on the other side to give him his order. Black, strong coffee - just what he needed to help him focus, help him think. His mind wandered back to the conversation-bordering-on-argument with Abby in autopsy earlier on. Maybe she had a point. Perhaps caffeine was the last thing he needed - all he would be able to do was think about Kate. And even in a seasoned ex-marine, there is only so much pain a single heart can take. 

Finally, the young waitress hurried over, looking a little anxious as she passed over his coffee in a to-go cup. He thanked her, and left the noisy coffee shop as quickly as possible. Outside, it was pouring with rain, the clouds dark except for the occasional flash of lightning followed by the rumble of thunder. Weather to match the moods of everyone at NCIS that day. A pair of teenagers, a boy and a girl, ran past him; their hoods pulled over their heads to protect them from the heavy rain. The boy reached out a hand to grab the girl's as they carried on running, probably looking for somewhere warm and dry to resume their romantic teenage tête-à-tête. Nothing to worry about. No unexpected deaths ruining their day. Lucky kids. What he wouldn't give to be as carefree as them. Gibbs took a swig of his coffee as he continued walking through the rain, back towards the navy yard - the last place he wanted to be right now.

If he had known that morning that one of his agents was going to die that day; what would he have done differently? Gibbs slipped back into his own thoughts as the rain carried right on pouring down -he was going to be soaked to the skin by the time he got home that night. He would have tried to protect them - but how? By wrapping them in bubble-wrap before sending them out on that doomed case, or taking them all down to his basement and putting them under house arrest until the threat was gone? He knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn't shake off the feeling of guilt that he; the boss, the leader; should have done something more to make sure the team all made it out alright. Never mind that Ari had been a hundred feet away when he shot Kate - if it was him, which Gibbs was positive it was - he should still have taken more agents, done something - anything - to safeguard his agents. And it had to be Kate, too. It should have been him taking the slug for her, not the other way round. Bitterly, Gibbs took another mouthful of coffee; even though today it was as tasteless as sipping meths; as he rounded the corner and neared the navy yard.

Everyone on the team was taking it differently. DiNozzo was obviously distraught, but put on a great show of being controlled and calm around everyone else. Gibbs had pretended not to notice the younger agent wiping his eyes as he came back from Abby's lab - and he knew why Kate's death was hitting Tony so hard just as well as everyone else. If either one of the obstinate pair had admitted their feelings sooner; they could have had happy weeks, months, maybe even years together - and now neither of them would ever know what that happiness might have felt like. McGee hadn't been on the rooftop when Kate was killed, but hearing the shot and fearing the worst until those fears were confirmed had left McGee in a near-silent, nervous state of grief for the entire day. Only a year after he had joined the team, he was just starting to feel a little more secure amid DiNozzo's teasing when suddenly his new friend and colleague was murdered on their watch. Gibbs couldn't blame him for his shock - he remembered feeling the same sense of shell-shocked loss when he had had teammates die. Then again, none of those teammates had been female - and if they had, none of them would have been anything like Kate. The great, now late Caitlin Todd. Gibbs shook his head abruptly and drained a little more of his rapidly cooling coffee to push the dark thoughts away - at least for the moment.  
And as for Abby...Gibbs had studiedly avoided her ever since their conversation in autopsy. He knew she was hurting just like he was, and part of him wanted more than anything to comfort her and hold onto her and wish all her grief away. Yet another part, the part Gibbs had always tried to bury in the cast-iron depths of his heart, had flinched away from her attempts to console him. She was upset and probably angry that he bluntly refused to talk to her. They had talked, but their conversations had dealt with the perimeter of who and what they were. She, open and honest as she was, could have spoken more freely - but he had always stopped the conversation when she came too close. _How close was too close?_ he wondered. If he had let this woman into his life, she surely deserved to be let into his heart. But he couldn't. Not yet. Not now...

He could see the windows of her lab from here. The lights were turned off. He wondered for a moment if she had fallen asleep there, and was deciding if he should go and check on her, wake her, apologize to her - when the gunshot rang through the air, shattering the silence above the background noise of the hammering rain with the force of a sledgehammer.  
He heard the smash.  
He heard her scream.  
Then he heard nothing...

Fear for Abby flooded his mind, and his coffee was dropped and forgotten as he began to run, barely able to hear his feet pounding the pavement over the sound of his own heart beating frantically in his throat. She had to be alright. He had to reach her to make sure she was alright. The thought of losing another one of his women today was too much to bear.  
The thought of losing Abby today was enough to make him not want to live to see tomorrow.

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(What did you think? R&r appreciated as ever, we can't become better writers if you don't give us some direction!  
That chapter turned out longer than I intended, but I think since Chapter 1 was a little short this is about the length all the other chapters will be. And so far, it's going to be about six chapters. I've got a lot to do before January 8th...  
_Gracias, Rie_) 


	3. Beloved Knows Naught

(A/N: Wow, I'm up to Chapter 3 and I have 2 days of Christmas break left. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing to be fair...Anyways, this chapter's for every last one of my amazing friends; _no nececito escribir los nombres aqui, porque conozco y conocen quien son. _Love you all, guys. And _muchas gracias_ to everyone who's read and reviewed so far!  
I own nothing, but just in case anyone needs convincing the disclaimer's in Chapter One.  
PS: The first part of this chapter is based on the scene in Abby's lab from Kill Ari part 1, so spoilers for that episode. Okay, here we go again...)

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**Chapter 3: In which Gibbs lets a secret slip and Abby sees a different side of her 'silver-haired fox'.**

Gibbs barely drew breath as he sprinted down to Abby's lab, not waiting for the elevator but pounding his way down the stairs instead. The sound of Abby's scream echoed in his mind, and the though of losing not just another friend or agent but Abby, _his _Abby, drove him as he ran; so fast that his feet barely touched the floor and he didn't slow up until he skidded into the lab. He could see a figure, on the floor beneath the window; amongst the fragments of shattered glass. The pale face of Abigail Sciuto was visible even in the dim light. But he still needed to know…

'Abby!' he shouted, his heart hammering from the run and from his own fear. The figure on the floor shifted, and he realized that there were two – Abby, and as the voice that replied to his call revealed, DiNozzo. Gibbs thanked every lucky star in the sky that DiNozzo had been there to protect Abby until he got there; though a small part was also a little irritated that someone else got there first. But terror at the though of losing Abby quickly put the trace of jealousy out of his mind.

'Boss, down! We're taking fire' he heard DiNozzo reply. The younger man was crouched over Abby, shielding her from a potential second shot. He could see her a little clearer as he bent lower and approached the two; her eyes wide with fright and her face even paler – but seemingly unhurt. Relief flooded him, making his knees feel weak. He reached them and sat on his heels beside her; slipping an arm instinctively around her shaking form.

'Okay?' he asked, needing to hear it from her before he could let his terror go.  
'Yeah' Her eyes met his, and he could see in the half-light the tears on her lashes and the fear those emerald orbs held. He tightened his grip on her, and she curled into his strong arms like a frightened child. Her ears were ringing from the shot, but she could hear Tony leave to secure the scene, Gibbs warning him to be careful. NCIS agents, first and foremost. Abby had seen the look of fear in Tony's eyes as he pulled her down to the floor, as the bullet smashed through the window and the shards of glass flying out from the impact point like a firework. And as Gibbs had come running in, she had seen the panic in his face too.

Long ago, Abby had learned that no matter how deep you try and bury your heart sometimes your eyes and face just give it all away. She could read people as easily as she could read test results. But Gibbs was …different. He was Gibbs. And through her fear a needle of anger spiked into her heart: _But he wouldn't talk to _her

She felt his hands on her back, warm and steady in contrast to her cold, trembling ones. She felt callous for her moment of anger as he checked her over for any injury, despite her telling him that she was fine. _Didn't he trust her enough to take her word for it that she was fine? Did he trust her at all? _She pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind as she took a deep breath, trying to calm her still-hammering heart.  
'I will get you bullet-proof glass' he told her, his voice low.  
'There's no such thing, Gibbs' she replied. Her voice gave it away as much as her red eyes that she had been crying.  
'Okay, bullet-resistant glass' he returned. He stroked her hair with one hand, and felt a cold shard of glass beneath his fingers. He pulled it out and threw it to the ground. As she watched him, a chilling thought occurred to her. She met his eyes fearfully.

'Ari…didn't shoot at you and hit Kate by mistake, did he?' she said, her voice hovering uncertainly between a question and a statement; part an assumption, part a plea for his reassurance. 'He's after me now…'  
Was that really her voice, so scared and hesitant? Gibbs cursed Ari again in his mind for putting Abby in this state – deliberately or otherwise  
'I was walking by that window when he fired' he replied, trying to inject some conviction into his voice; though he knew her statement was more than likely true. She didn't seem persuaded.  
'You're just saying that to make me feel safe!' Abby's voice cracked, and Gibbs replaced his arm around her and pulled her in close. Her gloved hand grasped his, as a single tear slid down her cheek. This wasn't the Abby he was used to, and it was a shock compared to her usual bright, cheerful self. It wasn't right. But with Kate dead and Abby in danger, what was right anymore?  
'I'll keep you safe, Abby' he whispered, kissing the side of her head and giving her a gentle, comforting squeeze. 'I promise'  
He hoped it was a promise he would be able to keep.

* * *

They stayed like that for some time, Gibbs with his arms wrapped tight around Abby, until they heard voices outside. Tony's was audible from inside the lab; evidently a squad had been rounded up to go and secure the scene. Gibbs' head turned to the window as he listened hard, then back to Abby.  
'The bastard must have taken off already. If he hadn't the squad wouldn't have been cleared to go out there' he told her. She nodded her face pale. He stood up, his back aching from being crouched on the floor, and took her hand. 'Come on. We've got to get you out of here'  
Abby looked around at the lab, with shattered glass still covering the floor and catching the light from outside so they glinted like stars. Over the background buzz of voices from outside, her machines bleeped and hummed, like a steady heartbeat. After so many hours working in the lab the sound was soothing to her, almost like a lullaby for the times she slept down there.  
'What about the machines – the broken window-'  
'They can wait' he cut her off, his tone clipped. She didn't want to push her luck and protest again.

She allowed him to pull her up, her stiff legs unsteady beneath her. As she stumbled, she caught onto his arms and almost fell against him. He looked at her, his expression unreadable even to her. But there was something hard and unapproachable about his look, and after a murmured apology she let go of his arms. He led her out of the lab and let her stop to secure the door properly, before taking hold of her by the arm and guiding her towards the elevator.  
'Where are we going?' she asked. 'The squad room?'  
'Nope' he replied. It was only now, in the light as they stepped into the elevator. That she saw his cheeks were wet. Was it from rain, she wondered, or had he been crying? He wouldn't exactly have been the only one.

Suddenly, as the elevator moved upwards, Gibbs reached over and slammed his palm down hard on the emergency stop button. The lights went off, and the elevator stopped moving. Abby looked at him.  
'So, are we going to sit in the elevator all night or what?' she asked him lightly. He looked at her, his eyes boring into her so hard that momentarily she understood how Tony, Kate and McGee felt whenever Gibbs glared at them. Then she felt like head-slapping herself as she remembered that Kate couldn't feel anything anymore.  
'Do you not understand what almost happened to you in there?' Gibbs said quietly, his voice hollow. When she did not answer, he raised his voice. '_Do you_?'  
She felt scared, shocked - and almost annoyed. Out of everyone, Gibbs had never yelled at her before. But she looked up to meet his eyes, and replied 'Yes'  
'Yes what? Yes, you understand?'  
Abby was beginning to feel like a schoolgirl being shouted at by a teacher. 'Yes, I understand what could have happened. I know I could have been killed if Tony wasn't-'

'YES, YOU COULD HAVE!' Gibbs exploded, his voice echoing off the walls of the reinforced box around them and making it seem even louder. '_You – could – have – died_! Do you have _any_ idea how damn scared I was when I heard you scream from out there? You shouldn't have been down there by yourself, Abby – with that sadistic bastard on the loose out there, targeting our team! What the hell were you thinking?'

'I – 'Abby's words failed her as Gibbs looked at her furiously. He had never yelled at her, never been mad at her, barely even made it to irritated. _What was _with_ him_?  
'_I could have lost you_, if DiNozzo hadn't pulled you down! And that scared the hell out of me more than anything else that's happened over the last thirty-six hours! I could have lost you…' he said again, and his voice quietened, shaking slightly as the full scope of that terrible possibility overwhelmed him. 'And if there's anything that could tip me over the edge after losing Kate, it's losing you. You have no idea…'  
'Then tell me!' she said, her words tentative but strong at the same time, strong enough to make him look at her. Gently, she touched his arm, and while he didn't respond to the contact he didn't push her hand away. He looked back at the wall, his eyes still full of anger but also so sad that Abby ached to look at him. He didn't look back up at her, so she carried on talking as he stared at the closed doors.

'I know you're hurting, and you can't fool me by telling me everything's alright when you don't even believe it' she said, her words ringing in the silence. 'You're so stubborn and you're so proud you won't admit to anyone what you feel, even when everyone else around you feels the same – like now' she added, biting her lip  
'We know you liked Kate. We all did. We know you're mad as hell at Ari, you're stressed because of the new Director on top of everything else and you're hurting because you've just lost a team-mate, an agent and a friend. So what's the use pretending none of this affects you? Even if McGee doesn't see it and Tony's best observation is that you're being 'nice'…I do notice. _And_ –' Abby swallowed, steeling herself to say what she'd been rehearsing in her head since he left autopsy earlier on ' – if you trust me, if you love me, please let me…understand you. It's like a guessing game when I talk to you because I know how good you are at hiding your real feelings. You trusted me enough to let me kiss you, and you trusted me enough to let me – to let me sleep with you…what's stopping you trusting me enough to let me _know_ you?'

There was a long, long silence. Then, Gibbs finally looked up at her.  
'I trust you, Abby' he said, his voice expressionless. She narrowed her eyes a little.  
'Do you?' she asked.  
He didn't answer, turning away as he rubbed his throbbing temples. She blinked against the sting of the tears in her eyes. Then, his voice broke the silence. He sounded tired – and much older.  
'Abby, I learned to block out my emotions. I had to learn. I was a Marine – _semper fi_, you understand? Seeing that much pain, that much destruction – if you're a marine who can't learn how not to feel, you'll go nowhere. And after Shannon-'

He stopped abruptly, instantly looking as if he had said a lot more than he meant to. Abby, however, was determined to get to the bottom of things - even if they had to stay in that elevator for a week to do it.  
'Shannon? Who's Shannon? You never mentioned-'  
'I know I never mentioned her' Gibbs interrupted, his tone unexpectedly hard and cold. 'And I have my reasons'  
'But, Gibbs-'  
'Drop it, Abby'

His last three words were sharp and angry and it hurt for Abby to hear them; though the finality in his tone made her fall silent. He reached out, pressing the emergency stop button again. The lights returned, and the elevator started moving again. The atmosphere in the elevator was thicker than cold custard, and neither of them said a word. When the doors opened, Gibbs stepped out first, not even looking behind him at Abby. She followed; afraid to both probe any further and touch a nerve with Gibbs again, and of being yelled at a second time. With Abby following miserably behind, Gibbs walked briskly on without glancing over his shoulder until he reached interrogation. Outside the door, he stopped. Abby looked at him nervously.  
'You – want me to stay in interrogation?'  
'For now, yes. It's cleared out in the observation room; here's nobody in there and the tapes and cameras are all off. There's no way Ari-'he said the name as if it was a disgusting curse word '-can reach you down here. I want you to spend the night here while I go and tell McGee and DiNozzo to stay put, too'

His voice was flat, empty of any real emotion. He churned out the words as if they were written on a cereal box. Abby's heart sank as she realized her attempt at getting Gibbs to open up might have driven him further back into his shell.  
'Where am I going to sleep?' she asked timidly.  
She half-expected him to tell her to sleep on the floor, but he replied otherwise. 'I'll bring you a pillow and a blanket from the squad room or somewhere' he answered. He turned the handle and opened the door, wordlessly ushering her inside. She stood, in the cold box-like room with the two-way mirror on the wall opposite. He stood in the doorway, not even stepping into the room.

'I'll be back' he said, and made to close the door and turn around. Abby stepped over and stuck her foot in the gap, making him turn back around when the door wouldn't close. Her green eyes were almost pleading, confused and shimmering with tears. He forced himself to look impassively back at her.  
'Gibbs…' she said, taking hold of his hand. It was as limp as a dead fish in her grip, but she still held on. 'You know I love you…'  
He pulled his hand out of hers and broke their gaze.  
'Yeah'

He pushed her foot out from between the door and the frame with his as he closed the door behind him and walked back down the corridor, leaving Abby closing her eyes against fresh tears of frustration and sadness; completely alone.

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(Ouch, rejection for Abby...Tell us what you think, good, bad or downright ugly, it's appreciated all the same. _Gracias_) 


	4. Solitude and Alcohol

_(**A/N and Disclaimer**__: Wow... it's a very, very long time since I wrote something for this fic. Apologies to everyone.  
**I own nothing to do with NCIS, least of all any of the characters, and I never will.** This is probably the shortest of the chapters I've written so far; simply because I'm not quite back into writing this story yet after having it on ice for so long. But I'll work on it. Sorry if it sucks, though.  
**Warnings: Gabby, Gibbs' P.O.V and a lot of introspection coming up.**  
And that's all I really have to say. So let's go)_

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**Chapter 4: In which Gibbs contemplates life, love, and Abigail Sciuto over a bottle of Jack and a half-completed boat.**

Sometimes comfort comes from the oddest sources.  
For some, it is a touch - a gentle tap on the shoulder bringing you out of a reverie and back into the real world. Sometimes it is a word - a gentle voice stirring something in your subconscious and reminding you that things can always get worse. For Gibbs, however, his catharsis came from _his_ room, the place he could retire to without feeling threatened or angry as he left his troubles at the door. Maybe it was the oasis of silence, the smell of sawdust hanging in the air, the overpowering heat coming both from the boiler and the effort of his work, or the comforting feel of wood and metal and grinding tools beneath his hands. In other words, his basement.

He sighed, carefully laying down the wrench he had been using to meticulously screw a stubborn nut through the neat hole he had made in the smooth, curved underbelly of his boat. It had taken him twenty minutes to ensure that it was secure, and the perfectionist in him was finally satisfied. Odd how you can repeat an action so many times, over so many boats, and so many years; and still not quite be content with your effort when you're done.

He sighed, rubbed the residual sawdust off his hands and then off his shirt; before turning to the shelf behind him and pulling out a bottle. The square edge was familiar and reassuring beneath his fingers. He set it down and began hunting around for a mug or something else to drink from. Usually he would have had a coffee to hand but tonight - especially tonight - he felt the need for something stronger. Squinting around, he massaged his temples with his fingertips. His eyesight wasn't what it used to be; and stress, tiredness and the gloom of the basement weren't exactly making it easier.

Getting up and stretching his aching muscles, he looked at his half-completed boat. It was ironic, really. You put a certain amount of effort into a boat - buying the wood, sawing it into the jigsaw correlations, setting the framework, carefully screwing together the beams and tightening every nut meticulously by hand - tight enough to hold the thing together but not tight enough to strain or break the wood - carving in and painting the name onto the outer side and finally sanding and varnishing the main body - and eventually, after weeks or months of hard work, you get the result you expect. But you put a thousand times more effort into a relationship and after a tragedy and a slip of the tongue the whole thing goes pear-shaped and begins unravelling before your eyes like a cheap t-shirt. A week ago things couldn't have been better for him - with the team, and even more so with Abby. But now nothing seemed right, or indeed possible to ever make right again - and thanks to him, his temper and his downright stupidity Abby was spending a lonely, frightened and very confused night alone in interrogation. He doubted the blanket he had thrust at McGee to take down to her would be much comfort at all right about now. He hated himself for leaving her like that, but it had seemed like the only thing that made sense. At least she would be safe down there. Alone, with no caffeine and her grief and rage at him simmering over like a soup of emotion - but safe, if nothing else.

He swore angrily, before picking up the bottle of Jack and tilting it until he felt the liquid against his lips. _Screw the mug._

He knew it was his fault. He shouldn't have pushed her away. Sitting here alone, with the alcohol slipping down his throat and into his bloodstream being the only thing keeping him warm, all the things he should have done came back to haunt him like old ghosts. He should have been there for her. Kate had been her best friend, and he knew from years of experience the gaping hole that left in your heart and the immense pain she was currently feeling. He should have taken her into his arms and held her, and let her cry it out - and maybe, just maybe, let her into his heart. She deserved that.

But she had mentioned Shannon. Of course, she had no idea what she had done to send him tearing away from her presence like a rabbit fleeing from a hungry fox. But it had hurt, and aside from not wanting her to sense in his eyes the secret arrow that had stabbed straight through his heart at Shannon's name; he had been afraid of losing it at her again. He had been scared for her, and scared of what he could do. Nobody else was getting hurt.

He sat down heavily, massaging his temples. They had been together for quite some time - and still he had never told her about his first wife. She had accepted the other three, understanding the problems in the various marriages and taking them in her stride - far from feeling threatened by his dubious track record, she had wrapped her arms around him and reassured him that she wasn't about to pull a fast one on him, too. But as for Shannon...he had never seen the need to tell her about the terrible events of fifteen years ago, or even the oasis of happiness for the ten years before that. He was glad it wasn't Kelly's name that had slipped out. Hearing his beautiful, long dead daughter's name thrown out casually - albeit unwittingly - by Abby would probably have been about enough to push him over the edge.

_'...What's stopping you trusting me enough to let me know you?'_  
Her words replayed in his mind for what seemed like the thousandth time that night; the frustration and pain in her tone echoing and amplifying until the throbbing in his head escalated to a relentless pounding. If it was her keeping things - especially things as serious as his first wife and daughter - from him, like he was from her; he knew that he would have felt the same. Curious. Angry. Hurt that she didn't seem to trust him. He understood how she felt and why - but still, he didn't think he could deal with dredging up his dark soup of memories into the stinging light to tell her, or her possible reaction - what she might say or do at his sudden revelation. He was unsure of how she would take it, and whether or not he could handle telling her without his barriers breaking down and exposing himself and his feelings completely - and it was the not knowing that scared him. Marines weren't supposed to be scared - but if he was honest, he had been running scared for the last fifteen years.

It all seemed to come down to fear. And he hated himself for it.

Gibbs tipped his bottle right back to drain the amber liquid from inside. Then, he leaned back almost horizontally; staring at the ceiling and allowing the alcohol to numb his body, and stifle the sound of Abby's voice ringing in his ears.

...Why was nothing ever easy?


End file.
